In America people love baseball. People love its high-priced hot dogs and overpaid drama queens whose only life accomplishment is being able to stand around and watch two other guys play a game. (Click here to see my post on baseball http://thebartschside.com/2011/09/01/america-needs-a-new-pass-time) American’s love football with its huge hits and fierce rivalries. These things are truly American. America does it bigger, and we do it better than anyone else around. Soccer however, just doesn’t cut it.
Soccer is a game in which the timer counts up and not down. That confuses American sports fans. You can’t tell us one thing our entire life and then switch everything around on us. Soccer games go on for ninety minutes and at the end of it games will either end 1-0 or tie at 1-1. America doesn’t do ties. We love winners in this country. Don’t tell me that after ninety minutes of watching a bunch of Europeans with great hair chase after each other it’s over, and no one wins. I don’t think so.
Despite these blatant unamerican qualities of the game, Soccer has gained popularity in the U.S. over the past few years. Every time I turn around it seems like there are more and more hipsters trying to sway people over to the worldwide sensation. Most recently, people have been absolutely awe inspired by the U.S Women’s Soccer team placing second in the World Cup. (Which says enough because no one should be that excited about a second place finish. Way to aim for the middle America) People rallied around the team and most of all people were drawn to Hope Solo. Let me tell you something about Hope Solo.
I am sick of people talking about how amazing Hope Solo is. Yea she’s amazing, if you consider being a 6 on a team of 2’s amazing. Maybe if she’s lucky she can get in a Go-daddy commercial with Danica Patrick. Hope can ride shotgun and they can both cross the finish line together in last place. America would really love that.
The bottom line is that Soccer, like the metric system, is unamerican. It doesn’t matter what anyone says it’s going to stay that way as long as the rules stay the same. The rest of the world can have Soccer. America doesn’t need it.