Frack That

Recently I’ve started watching Battlestar Galactica. Why I usually am a fan of the science fiction genre, there are several things about the show that I find more than a little bit ridiculous. I realize I’m a little bit late to the game with this because the show has already run its course in entirety, but these are my observations nonetheless.

Mother Fracker!!!

Everyone in the Battlestar universe uses the word “Frack.” It is the standard obscenity made by all the characters. Now, I realize that the use of the word Frack is just a way to get around being censored since the show originally aired on SyFy. However, it is absolutely impossible to take anyone seriously when they are screaming about how another character is a “Mother Fracker.” If you can’t use the real words, don’t invent a substitute, just don’t use them. The show Firefly had the most creative way of getting around censorship that I’ve seen. They simply swore in Chinese. Since it was english, or subtitled, they were allowed to say whatever they wanted.

Where are the getting the supplies to make moonshine. 

In the show there are always scenes where main characters are drinking. I accept the fact that that there was probably a fair amount of alcohol on the ship before the Cylons attacked. However, they’ve been out and about for almost six months by the second season. If the whole world just got destroyed I feel like the alcohol would be all gone by then. They also show people making moonshine quite frequently. I accept that people would do that as well, but where are they getting all the supplies to make the moonshine. At a certain point I feel like they would be running out of resources.

My number one problem with the show

If you’ve never watched the show I will give you a quick little catch up so you can understand my point. There is a character named Gaius Baltar. He constantly has “visions” or delusions that there is a woman in the room with him. He usually talks to her and interacts, sometimes violently, with her. The thing is that she isn’t really there. So he’s constantly talking to himself or looking off at nothing, and NO ONE EVER NOTICES! My number one problem is that no one seems to notice this guy talking to someone who isn’t there. He’ll be in a room full of people and he’s feeling up an imaginary woman, and no one seems to be the wiser. I have yet to finish the full series so maybe this issue will get addressed in later episodes, but for now, I am terribly upset about it.

Overall Battlestar Galactica is a good show. Having never watched the original series I don’t find myself upset about any changes that they made have made for the reboot. There are moments where the writing can be pretty predictable, but at the end of the day, who gives a frack?

Long Live The Childish Gambino

I recently got The Childish Gambino’s (AKA Donald Glover) new album CAMP. Glover, most famous for his role as Troy on Community, has released several EP’s before this, but this was the first one that I picked up. To be honest I was expecting something closer to The Lonely Island, but I can promise you that CAMP is far from it. The album is surprisingly heartfelt and all awesome. I don’t usually say things are awesome. In fact, I usually nitpick and belittle everything. However, The Childish Gambino is one thing that I recommend everyone check out, unless you hate rap, or black people. If you do, you probably won’t like the album at all. Also, you’re a racist.

Taylor Swift Sucks

Country music is terrible. If that offends you, good. I don’t care, and to be honest, if you’re offended because someone happens to have a different opinion than you, you’re an idiot. Now, moving past my ungodly amount of distaste for country music, I want to focus on a single aspect of country music: Taylor Swift. All I ever hear people talk about is how much they love Taylor Swift. Well, I think it’s high time a different story was told in regards to Ms. Swift.

Taylor swift sucks. 

There are a lot of people that are famous that I don’t understand why. (Paris Hilton, Sarah Palin, The cast of The Jersey Shore.) However, one trend I really don’t understand is the “Taylor Swift Phenomenon.” Over the past several years Swift has sky rocketed to success, and it’s sickening.

First off, Taylor Swift isn’t ugly, but there are a lot more attractive women in the world. Though, as young as she is, I wouldn’t doubt if part her fame was contributed by disgusting rednecks who dug the fact that she was famous before she turned eighteen. Second of all, people are always talking about how Taylor swift writes her own songs. Newsflash, I could tell, because they sound like the incessant whining of a high school girl.

Maybe it’s you, Taylor

Every Taylor Swift song I’ve ever heard seems to be about how she was either spurned by a boy, or in love with a boy who didn’t love her back. Well, she’s in high school so that’s sort of understandable. However, if you are a grown woman, and heartfelt while singing along, you’re pathetic and you deserve to be lonely.

Here’s my advice for Taylor, not that she’ll take it I’m sure. Maybe it’s you. If you are writing all these songs about different guys that all left you, you are the only common thing in all those relationships. Maybe you’re the reason they are leaving. Maybe he would have said no if you weren’t so needy and constantly whining.

Lastly, I would like to show you a glimpse of the real world. If you want a man, ladies, you’re gonna have to work for it. If you don’t, you are gonna live a lonely and depressing life. Here’s an idea, Taylor. Maybe if you did something besides wear a t-shirt and eye rape the guy from the bleachers, he might notice you. Until then, I can guarantee he’s gonna be looking at the cheer captain in short shorts and not the weird girl in the stand by herself. Choke down that dose of reality.

The Sarah Palin Chronicles

I try and get to the gym at least five or six times a week. (I am currently working on a separate post about my gym “adventures”) The gym I go to is close to my home and there are several TV’s, mainly in the cardio section. I go to the gym in the afternoon, and the same three programs are playing every time I go in. Two of the televisions play Days of our Lives. One of them is tuned to ESPN Sports center, and the final TV is tuned to Fox News. Now, I don’t know who is in charge of the programming selection. I personally don’t wanna try read paragraph after paragraph of Sean Hannity telling me that Socialists and terrorists have invaded the country. I watch 24 for that. However, while I was in the gym today, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin was doing an interview. Thankfully, the volume was off. I was staring at her overly shaped eye brows I re-realized that I can’t stand Sarah Palin.

Why does she think anyone cares what she has to say?

If you are unfamiliar with Sarah Palin I will fill you in. She was governor of Alaska and a vice-presidential candidate in the 2008 election. Since her failure to become Vice President she has stayed active in politics, becoming an outspoken supporter of the Tea Party Movement. There were even a fair amount of support for her to try and run for President in the 2012 election. If you like Sarah Palin, I feel sorry for you. More over, if you are a Palin Supporter I’m going to give you a little spoiler alert and let you know that you should stop reading now, because it’s gonna get ugly.

Sarah Palin isn’t even a one term governor. She resigned from office before she even finished her first term. The only reason that John McCain brought her on to the ticket was because she wasn’t as disgustingly unattractive as Nancy Pelosi, and he was trying to prove that the GOP isn’t filled with misogynistic bigots. My point being is that Sarah Palin’s only real political contribution is being a governor of Alaska. Woh-who. How many people even live in Alaska? There’s like 400 Eskimos and a handful of white people who “just love the outdoors.” Alaska is only a part of the United States on a technicality. If it wasn’t for ANWR we would have given Alaska away to the first country dumb enough to take it.

Palin’s Alaska 

Sarah Palin has been trying to convince everyone to take her seriously ever since John McCain brought her on to his ticket. What’s the best way to convince America and the rest of the world that you deserve to be taken seriously? If you answered quit your job and star in your own reality television show, congratulations, you’re just as stupid as Palin.

Sarah Palin’s Alaska was a reality television show aired on TLC in late 2010. The aim of the show was to show the world the wonders of Alaska. What it turned out to be was a televised tourist exposition with Palin and her red neck family. All it really proved to me is that Sarah Palin is absolutely insane, and she apparently isn’t capable of giving any of her children normal names. Sarah Palin’s children’s names are: Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig. Seriously? Those sound like the names of extras from The Jersey Shore. Speaking of The Jersey Shore. If you showed me an episode of  Sarah Palin’s Alaska and then an episode of The Jersey Shore and then you asked which one of those two casts was more qualified to run America I honestly don’t know what I would say.

Bristol Palin is not hot

With the advent of people actually knowing who Sarah Palin, America was forced to have to listen to mindless drivel about her family. It wasn’t long after they were first seen in public that every one was talking about how hot Bristol Palin is. I don’t care who says it, Bristol Palin is not that attractive. If your definition of hot is someone who looks decently attractive and manages to get knocked up at 18 and then writes a memoir two years later, then by all means fall in love with Bristol. You can have her.

In summation, I just plain don’t like Sarah Palin. Sorry Tea Party.

To Catch a Predator

In November, 2004 Dateline NBC introduced the greatest hour of reality television the world has ever known: To Catch a Predator. For those who haven’t seen the show I will give you the basic premise. Dateline NBC works with Perverted-Justice to set up an undercover sting to catch sexual predators who try to meet under aged children and have sex with them. The way it works is that the Perverted-Justice volunteers start online profiles posing as under aged children (usually between the ages of 13-15) and chat with people. The volunteers chat with the men and then give them an address to meet at. The men drive to the house to get their jail bait on, but instead of an under aged girl, they find Chris Hansen, a Dateline reporter who hosts the segment. Hansen has the men sit down, and he then proceeds to grillthem. After that he tells them not only have they been caught trying to bang little kids, but they are also on Dateline NBC. In the end they get arrested.

 

Can you take a seat for me?

The best part of the show is Chris Hansen’s interactions with the would be kid diddlers. The men always seem to enter the house into the kitchen. From there, Hansen comes out from behind a curtain like the damn Wizard of Oz. Then, he always says some variant of “Can you take a seat for me?” The men don’t initially know that Hansen knows who they are or that he has a transcript of the conversation the men had with the Perverted-Justice volunteer. From what I’ve seen there are two basic types of pedophiles. The first kind are the ones who try and play it cool. Chris asks them what they are doing at the house, and they talk to him like they are just there hanging out, no big deal. The other kind of Pedophiles crack almost immediately. The second Chris comes through the curtain they crumble, and you can just see on their faces that they know they are going to jail. Regardless of what kind of pedophile they are Hansen eventually starts to read through the transcripts of the conversation the men thought they were having with a young teen. Many of the men say completely vulgar things and send all kinds of dick pics. The ones that do dick pic it up get to deal with Hansen holding up a piece of paper with the picture of their dick on it and ask “did you send this to a young child?” When the interview is over Chris Hansen does what may be the cruelest thing, or coolest depending on how you look at it. He takes the transcript and taps the papers together, and he let’s them know they are on Dateline NBC. Then, he tells them they are free to go. The look of relief in the eyes of those pedophiles is almost touching. They think that they just hit the lottery. They got completely busted for trying to have sex with a kid, and Hansen is telling them that they can just walk away. Chris Hansen wouldn’t lie to a sexual deviant would he? Of course, he would. Hansen knows good and well that there is a team of police officers waiting for the men outside. It’s like Punk’d only so much better.

Lie, lie, lie, deny, then lie some more

One thing that you can always be sure of is that the men who get caught are going to lie, about everything. When Hansen asks how old the person they were supposed to be meeting is they lie. Some of them don’t even bother to lie and say eighteen. Some of them lie and say fourteen if the girl said she was thirteen, or fifteen if the girl said she was fourteen. Most of the men will say that they were there just to hang out, watch some TV or a movie. My personal favorite, which is used more often than I would have initially expected, is that they are just there to tell the young girl that chatting with people on the internet is dangerous. They try to make themselves out to be misunderstood Good Samaritans. The other thing that you can be assured of is that it is always their first time ever doing something like what they’ve been caught doing. Now, I understand why the men feel the need to lie, but just once, I want there to be an honest pedophile. Just one time I want for Hansen to ask “Why did you come here today?” and for the guy to just say “I was here to bang her. She said she was thirteen and I came here to get it on. No, this isn’t my first time and I’ll probably try it again.” The way I look at it, you are already a pedophile. Why not be honest about it?

Devil’s Advocate

There are people who criticize the show, and Perverted-Justice’s methods, by saying that what they were doing is tantamount to entrapment. When you watch the show you really do see that these men realize that their lives are over. Many of them have wives, friends, and children of their own. They are going to jail and more than likely losing everything they have. Each of the men has a look of utter shame and many of them cover their faces when they find out they are being filmed. Bottom line though, it’s kind of hard for me to feel bad for them. Yes, their lives are over, but they came to that house with the intention of having sex with an under aged child. Maybe the methods are a little unfair, but it makes for great TV.

Edward Cullen is a Pedophile

In 2005, Stephenie Meyer unleashed a demon on the world. She gave no warning, and as far as I can tell, she has made no apology. Since that fateful time the world has changed forever, and women have been harder to put up with ever since. Twilight, for those of you who are unfamiliar, is the story of a girl name Bella who gets knocked up by a vampire.  There’s some werewolves and the vampires fight the werewolves, and they fight each other and that’s basically the premise for all the books. While I am usually all about werewolves and vampires, and combining the two, I have several problems with the twilight series.

Edward is a creepy pedophile.

When the first Twilight movie came out every girl I know, that wasn’t already in love with Mr. Cullen, went to go see it and fell in love with Edward Cullen. He was, as I’ve been told, all that a man was supposed to be. Edward Cullen is kind, he’s a gentlemen, he’s charming, and well he’s pretty much the idealization of a man. He’s also not real. You want the truth about Edward Cullen? I’ll give it to you. Edward Cullen is disgusting, emasculated, pedophile. He is over a hundred years old and yet he’s still cruising around the high school looking for girls. That’s worse than my grandfather going to pick up chicks at a preschool. Sure it’s all fun and games until he says “Hey come sit on grandpa’s lap” or “I’ve got some candy in my pocket reach in and grab it.” It would take about five seconds for someone to call Chris Hansen to come and ask what he was doing there, but not Edward. Oh no, everyone just loves Edward. Lets also not forget the fact that the man is a vampire. Sure he’s some sort of weird vampire vegan but a vampire is a vampire. Let him go a couple of weeks without getting tipsy on the neighbors cow and I guarantee he would down Bella in a heartbeat.

Bella is a two timing skank.

Later on in the story the character of Jacob is introduced as another possible love interest. From what I can tell Bella seems to have her pick of the litter and is getting it from both ways from vampire and werewolf alike. Fierce teams, with fanatic loyalty, have emerged for those who want Bella to be with Jacob and those who want her to be with Edward. Everything I know about the series tells me that Jacob is at least of current age with Bella so it’s not creepy that they are in to each other. Thing is though, dude is a werewolf. Apparently these werewolves can change whenever they feel so inclined and what not but they still turn into an over sized dog and go crazy. Can any woman in her right mind seriously say she would have no problem being with a man who, when he isn’t turning into a giant wolf, is hanging out with a bunch of shirtless dudes in the woods? Am I the only one who finds that maybe just a little suspect?

The bottom line is that Twilight has done several things. First it emasculated vampires and turned them into a bunch of pale dudes with terrible hair that shine in the sun. Second it brought about a new era of Vampire and Werewolf related media. You could literally take a dump into an envelope, slap a cover page on it that says “The Vampire memoirs” and someone, somewhere, would turn it into a movie or television show. For those reasons and many more I think we can all come to the logical conclusion that while Twilight may blow it’s here to stay, and that saddens me.

Fifa world suck

In America people love baseball. People love its high-priced hot dogs and overpaid drama queens whose only life accomplishment is being able to stand around and watch two other guys play a game. (Click here to see my post on baseball http://thebartschside.com/2011/09/01/america-needs-a-new-pass-time) American’s love football with its huge hits and fierce rivalries. These things are truly American. America does it bigger, and we do it better than anyone else around. Soccer however, just doesn’t cut it.

Soccer is a game in which the timer counts up and not down. That confuses American sports fans. You can’t tell us one thing our entire life and then switch everything around on us. Soccer games go on for ninety minutes and at the end of it games will either end 1-0 or tie at 1-1. America doesn’t do ties. We love winners in this country. Don’t tell me that after ninety minutes of watching a bunch of Europeans with great hair chase after each other it’s over, and no one wins. I don’t think so.

Despite these blatant unamerican qualities of the game, Soccer has gained popularity in the U.S. over the past few years. Every time I turn around it seems like there are more and more hipsters trying to sway people over to the worldwide sensation.  Most recently, people have been absolutely awe inspired by the U.S Women’s Soccer team placing second in the World Cup. (Which says enough because no one should be that excited about a second place finish. Way to aim for the middle America) People rallied around the team and most of all people were drawn to Hope Solo. Let me tell you something about Hope Solo.

I am sick of people talking about how amazing Hope Solo is. Yea she’s amazing, if you consider being a 6 on a team of 2’s amazing. Maybe if she’s lucky she can get in a Go-daddy commercial with Danica Patrick. Hope can ride shotgun and they can both cross the finish line together in last place. America would really love that.

The bottom line is that Soccer, like the metric system, is unamerican. It doesn’t matter what anyone says it’s going to stay that way as long as the rules stay the same. The rest of the world can have Soccer. America doesn’t need it.