I don’t care about your period

What I am about to say is something that I am ninety-nine percent sure that every man on the planet has thought but would never dare say to a woman. If questioned about it, I am sure that most men will call me a liar. However, the truth of the matter is that they could not agree more with me.

Ladies I am going to start by telling you that I do not care about your period, at all. I do not want to hear about it in any way and I sure as hell do not want any details on the subject. Why you ask? The answer is simple. I do not care what women have to do to maintain that junk between their legs so long as they do it. If women had to crush puppy skulls into a fine power and mix it with the tears of the innocent in order to plug that damn thing up, I would gladly kill any dog and steal candy from any child to make that happen, so long as I did not have to hear anything about it.

I grew up with a mother. I assume she, like all women, menstruated monthly. I use the word assume purposefully. My mother had the good sense, and the common decency, to keep her business as just that, her business. When it was her time of the month she went about her daily routine and perhaps just took naps in the afternoon and asked my father to make dinner. That is how, I feel, all women should handle the issue. Seeing as how don’t ask, don’t tell is no longer used for gays in the military I would go as far to say that we should instate it as a common understanding between men and women, regarding their periods. I promise not to ask about it. You promise not to tell me about it. The world will be a happier place.

However if you are a woman, and you come to me either talking about or complaining about your period,  you will receive the following prefabricated response from me: “You think I’ve never had a cramp and felt bloated? Go take a Midol and walk it off.”

(The only exception to getting this response is if by some horrible turn of events you are literally bleeding to death out of your vagina and the only thing that can save you is if I take you to the hospital straight away. Even in that scenario, though, if you mention the word ‘period’ or ‘cycle’ more than once you’re walking your blood soaked self to the hospital. Also, do not get offended when I ask you to wrap yourself, and the seat of my car, in fifty gallon trash bags, because there is no way I could ever get back in that car if any of that got on the seats. Call me what you want but that it’s the God honest truth.)

Now I can imagine that a great deal of women were deeply offended by that remark. However, I would like to bring back the statement that I do not care about your period. Nothing you can say will make me. I know that this is an irrational and close-minded stance to take, but the fact of the matter remains. I do not care, at all.

I am an educated man. I know, and accept, that a woman’s period is, biologically speaking, something that has to happen. What I refuse to accept however, is that simply sloughing of the lining of a uterus gives women the right to do whatever they want and act like a complete psychotic if they feel the need to. Again, I am educated, I know that there are chemical and hormonal imbalances during this “period” of the month for women. I accept that, and I understand that imbalances can make it harder to deal with emotions and the stresses of life. That, however, by no means gives any woman the right to use it as an excuse. I’ll say it (and I will not deny it to anyone if questioned about it later), women, your period doesn’t give you the right to act like an indecent human being. Life is rough. Plug it up and keep on going.