Al Gore: An Inconvenient Annoyance

I’m not sure when my utter contempt for the former Vice President started. There wasn’t some defining moment that cemented my malice for all time. All I know is that I can’t stand Al Gore. Don’t bring him up around me if you’re a fan because I don’t have anything good to say and one thing I know for certain is that I loathe Al Gore. If you like Al Gore, screw you. That’s right, I said it. I’ve drawn the line in the sand, pick a side and lets battle.

Al Gore did not invent the internet.

During an interview Al Gore informed the interviewer that he was on a sub committee that helped invent the internet. Now, he has already gone back and admitted that he was mistaken and did not mean to imply that he did invent the internet. I don’t buy it though. I think that Al Gore was in his green room getting ready one day when he decided that people really like the internet, and in an appearance to seem young and hip he decided to hitch his wagon to that star and see what kind of ride he can get out of it.

An inconvenient truth is the worst movie I’ve ever seen.

When I was in high school Al Gore decided to unleash his movie on the world, if you can even really call it a movie. It’s a glorified slide show and it looks like he put it together in iMovie. I’m not here to debate the cinematic qualities of the film though. Plenty of people seemed to like all the shots of Al just staring off into the distance and talking about carbon credits. What really gets me about the movie is the big fuss that he made about the damn Polar Bears. I’ll give you a real inconvenient truth Al Gore. If my kid grows up and never sees a Polar Bear that doesn’t affect my life at all, not one bit. In fact never in my own existence have I thought “thank God that there’s Polar Bears in the world. I would have been really screwed if they weren’t around.” If the Polar Bears really do go extinct (which they wont) the only possible thing I see happening is Coca-Cola picking a new mascot to sell soda. So screw Polar Bears, I hope they die out. People complain about baby seals getting killed anyway. If there aren’t any more Polar Bears then there will be more baby seals.

What the hell happened to Al Gore’s teeth.

I know that it’s not good to be overly superficial in life. Sometimes nature, combined with overly shallow gene pools, produces incredibly homely things. Crooked teeth is not something to be ashamed of. Almost everyone ends up needing some kind of orthodontic work. My own brother and mother both had braces and I like of them just fine. That being said Al Gore has messed up teeth. There was a time in this world when there was not a solution to having crooked teeth, but that time has passed. I also know that not everyone can afford to fix their teeth, and that’s okay. However, Al Gore is rich. There is no excuse for him not to get that messed up grill taken care of. He was a public official. He knew that he was gonna be in front of a camera. He knows he has messed up teeth. He should have taken care of it. His solution though, never show his teeth when he smiles. Google Al Gore. If you do, you will have a hard time finding a picture of him smiling and showing his teeth. He keeps those lips carefully curled around those hideous ivories. That says a lot about a person’s character if you ask me, and none of it’s good.

The lesson learned here is that Al Gore is an idiot. He can whine and complain all he wants about the environment. I do not care at all. In fact, on Earth Day I turn all the lights in my house on and then leave. That’s right. Take that Al.


America needs a new pass time


Baseball, it’s the American pass time. There isn’t a place in the country that you can go where you won’t find at least one Baseball. It’s a tradition, like fireworks on the fourth of July or childhood obesity. Whether you’ve only watched games occasionally on television or you’ve been to every battle of the bay since you were seven, Baseball is everywhere. I myself have been to a few San Francisco Giant’s games in my day. Baseball is here to stay and honestly, that is horrifying.

Baseball is one of the single worst sports in existence. The only thing that makes it worse is that everyone in this country demands that people respect the “American Pass time.” The thing is though, I don’t care what everyone else selling, I’m not buying. I have never felt more cheated and dismayed in my life as the time I spent sitting inside AT&T park. There aren’t enough overpriced hot dogs in the world to make a Baseball game enjoyable. The honest truth of the matter is: Baseball sucks.

I attended a small university that didn’t have much in the way of sports teams, and what few teams it did have were utterly terrible. That being said one of the sports was Men’s Baseball. Now, the “Baseball Boys” as they liked to call themselves, liked to tell anyone who would listen, and even some that wouldn’t, how great Baseball was. Baseball players, and Baseball fans, will always start off with saying that hitting a Baseball thrown by a pitcher in the major leagues is the hardest things to do in sports, which is ironic because sitting through five hours of a Baseball game is the single hardest thing to do as a fan in sports.

I know that a lot of people who are reading this are probably thinking that I am wrong and think that Baseball is a great sport and should remain the American pass time. That’s fine. I can’t change anyone’s mind. I personally think the rest of the world should think like me but, then again, that’s just my opinion. However, I would like to give one final point to my argument that Baseball blows: Baseball is the only game where the fans are doing the exact same thing as the players.

Think about it, every Baseball game I’ve ever seen consists of the following: 1. Pitcher throws the ball, the batter either hit’s it or he doesn’t, and everyone else watches. 2. The batter makes contact, one guy catches the ball, and everyone else watches him do it. 3. The batter makes contact, the ball drops to the ground, someone picks it up and throws it to someone else, and everyone else watches. 4. The batter makes contact, the ball goes over the fence, everyone watches him jog around the bases.

Now, did you notice a pattern? If you didn’t notice, it’s that everyone just stands around and watches other people do stuff. The problem with Baseball is that everyone just stands around and waits for the ball to come to them. Now what are the fans doing while the game is going on? Well, between trips to the bathroom, concession stand, and getting into fights, people are watching the players, but there’s something else people are doing. They are wearing gloves and waiting for someone to hit the ball to them. Catching a pop fly at a Baseball game is the only thing sweeter than getting on the Jumbo Tron, mostly cause if you catch the ball you get on the Jumbo Tron anyway. In essence, the fans are doing the exact same thing that the paid professionals are doing. They are waiting around for someone to hit them the ball, and in the mean time they are watching other people play the game.

People will more than likely argue that my analysis of Baseball is simplistic. While that may be true,  it doesn’t change the fact that no other major professional sport that I have ever heard of has players and fans doing the exact same thing. I can’t go to a Laker game and even possibly entertain the idea that Kobe will pass me the rock and I’ll get to drive it to the hole, although if it’s a Pacers vs. Piston’s game I may get to get punched in the face by Ron Artest. (Which consequently, Ron Artest’s fight with fans at that game may be one of the greatest moments in sports history.) Tiger Woods isn’t handing the 3 wood off to me on the seventh hole. Normal, legitimate, sports don’t allow for fan participation.

In summation, Baseball may have been a good enough pass time for the twentieth century, but times have changed. America is in desperate need of a new pass time, one that doesn’t involve grown men standing around for someone to hit a ball in their direction. I don’t know what can take the place of Baseball. I suppose strong arguments could be made for both Basketball and Football. To be honest though, I don’t care what replaces Baseball. I just want Baseball to die.

I don’t care about your period

What I am about to say is something that I am ninety-nine percent sure that every man on the planet has thought but would never dare say to a woman. If questioned about it, I am sure that most men will call me a liar. However, the truth of the matter is that they could not agree more with me.

Ladies I am going to start by telling you that I do not care about your period, at all. I do not want to hear about it in any way and I sure as hell do not want any details on the subject. Why you ask? The answer is simple. I do not care what women have to do to maintain that junk between their legs so long as they do it. If women had to crush puppy skulls into a fine power and mix it with the tears of the innocent in order to plug that damn thing up, I would gladly kill any dog and steal candy from any child to make that happen, so long as I did not have to hear anything about it.

I grew up with a mother. I assume she, like all women, menstruated monthly. I use the word assume purposefully. My mother had the good sense, and the common decency, to keep her business as just that, her business. When it was her time of the month she went about her daily routine and perhaps just took naps in the afternoon and asked my father to make dinner. That is how, I feel, all women should handle the issue. Seeing as how don’t ask, don’t tell is no longer used for gays in the military I would go as far to say that we should instate it as a common understanding between men and women, regarding their periods. I promise not to ask about it. You promise not to tell me about it. The world will be a happier place.

However if you are a woman, and you come to me either talking about or complaining about your period,  you will receive the following prefabricated response from me: “You think I’ve never had a cramp and felt bloated? Go take a Midol and walk it off.”

(The only exception to getting this response is if by some horrible turn of events you are literally bleeding to death out of your vagina and the only thing that can save you is if I take you to the hospital straight away. Even in that scenario, though, if you mention the word ‘period’ or ‘cycle’ more than once you’re walking your blood soaked self to the hospital. Also, do not get offended when I ask you to wrap yourself, and the seat of my car, in fifty gallon trash bags, because there is no way I could ever get back in that car if any of that got on the seats. Call me what you want but that it’s the God honest truth.)

Now I can imagine that a great deal of women were deeply offended by that remark. However, I would like to bring back the statement that I do not care about your period. Nothing you can say will make me. I know that this is an irrational and close-minded stance to take, but the fact of the matter remains. I do not care, at all.

I am an educated man. I know, and accept, that a woman’s period is, biologically speaking, something that has to happen. What I refuse to accept however, is that simply sloughing of the lining of a uterus gives women the right to do whatever they want and act like a complete psychotic if they feel the need to. Again, I am educated, I know that there are chemical and hormonal imbalances during this “period” of the month for women. I accept that, and I understand that imbalances can make it harder to deal with emotions and the stresses of life. That, however, by no means gives any woman the right to use it as an excuse. I’ll say it (and I will not deny it to anyone if questioned about it later), women, your period doesn’t give you the right to act like an indecent human being. Life is rough. Plug it up and keep on going.