Edward Cullen is a Pedophile

In 2005, Stephenie Meyer unleashed a demon on the world. She gave no warning, and as far as I can tell, she has made no apology. Since that fateful time the world has changed forever, and women have been harder to put up with ever since. Twilight, for those of you who are unfamiliar, is the story of a girl name Bella who gets knocked up by a vampire.  There’s some werewolves and the vampires fight the werewolves, and they fight each other and that’s basically the premise for all the books. While I am usually all about werewolves and vampires, and combining the two, I have several problems with the twilight series.

Edward is a creepy pedophile.

When the first Twilight movie came out every girl I know, that wasn’t already in love with Mr. Cullen, went to go see it and fell in love with Edward Cullen. He was, as I’ve been told, all that a man was supposed to be. Edward Cullen is kind, he’s a gentlemen, he’s charming, and well he’s pretty much the idealization of a man. He’s also not real. You want the truth about Edward Cullen? I’ll give it to you. Edward Cullen is disgusting, emasculated, pedophile. He is over a hundred years old and yet he’s still cruising around the high school looking for girls. That’s worse than my grandfather going to pick up chicks at a preschool. Sure it’s all fun and games until he says “Hey come sit on grandpa’s lap” or “I’ve got some candy in my pocket reach in and grab it.” It would take about five seconds for someone to call Chris Hansen to come and ask what he was doing there, but not Edward. Oh no, everyone just loves Edward. Lets also not forget the fact that the man is a vampire. Sure he’s some sort of weird vampire vegan but a vampire is a vampire. Let him go a couple of weeks without getting tipsy on the neighbors cow and I guarantee he would down Bella in a heartbeat.

Bella is a two timing skank.

Later on in the story the character of Jacob is introduced as another possible love interest. From what I can tell Bella seems to have her pick of the litter and is getting it from both ways from vampire and werewolf alike. Fierce teams, with fanatic loyalty, have emerged for those who want Bella to be with Jacob and those who want her to be with Edward. Everything I know about the series tells me that Jacob is at least of current age with Bella so it’s not creepy that they are in to each other. Thing is though, dude is a werewolf. Apparently these werewolves can change whenever they feel so inclined and what not but they still turn into an over sized dog and go crazy. Can any woman in her right mind seriously say she would have no problem being with a man who, when he isn’t turning into a giant wolf, is hanging out with a bunch of shirtless dudes in the woods? Am I the only one who finds that maybe just a little suspect?

The bottom line is that Twilight has done several things. First it emasculated vampires and turned them into a bunch of pale dudes with terrible hair that shine in the sun. Second it brought about a new era of Vampire and Werewolf related media. You could literally take a dump into an envelope, slap a cover page on it that says “The Vampire memoirs” and someone, somewhere, would turn it into a movie or television show. For those reasons and many more I think we can all come to the logical conclusion that while Twilight may blow it’s here to stay, and that saddens me.